I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
