Someone shit on the floor
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
