I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
