I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And then my night got REAL pukey
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
