Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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