So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
