somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
