weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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