She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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