have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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