I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
