guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
ugly people sure do ruin things
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
