You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
