My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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