I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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