So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
