Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
