I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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