his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
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