she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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