my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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