You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
