Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
