I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
