i would punch a child for taco bell
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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