I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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