I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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