this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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