Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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