True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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