You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
