I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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