why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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