Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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