Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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