Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
