Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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