if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sarcasm needs its own font
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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