you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Houston, we have a blender
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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