The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
