Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
