I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
