Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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