Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
