Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
