Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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