Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
