I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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