so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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