i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
