i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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