Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
