I'm pants shitting drunk right now
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
