is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
