you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
