This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
