my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
