There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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