I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
