Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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