the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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