Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
