My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
