We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
