I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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