have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
