By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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