There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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